First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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