I think my fart just growled at me.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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