How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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