Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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