The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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