new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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