When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
