i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
