I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
