Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
