That's intense
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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