my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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