this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
