I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
