help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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