It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
