i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
