Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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