"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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