Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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