That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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