I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
