I should be sponsored by Trojan
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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