My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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