oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
