yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
