I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
