It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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