i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
