Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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