I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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