I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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