Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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