There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
