I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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