Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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