how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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