Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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