im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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