he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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