So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
