Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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