After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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