can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize