his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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