nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
