So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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