Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
