I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
