My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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