he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
