I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
