i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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