If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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