Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
