I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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