Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
