1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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